Grass

Can of Worms sticker

The saying goes "The grass is always greener on the other side."  Another saying goes, "The grass is green where you water it."

But how do I water my grass so that it continues to grow? 

I think this was a big question for me to consider because it was always like, "Well I know how to clean" but I didn't know that you can't leave it at that. You can't just know how to do it, you have to make it a part of your every day and do it again. And again. And again!

Everyone has something to say about that and it can be overwhelming and depressing. 

Do this. Do that. 

As an auDHD perimenopausal mother in my 40s, I am only now learning how to get my shit together. 

No one wants to see you when you're down in it. We want to imagine that there is a good life waiting for us if we could just do XYZ. 

The truth is we need to allow ourselves the grace of recovering from burnout and/or PTSD which could take YEARS to recover from. 

On top of that, there is this constant guilt that I need to be doing something else or that I should be a better mom or artist. People are calling this imposter syndrome.

Carrying the weight of guilt is like keeping a blanket over us when we need to wake up. 

Watching all these successful people tell me how easy it is was a double-edged dagger when I was down in it. 

At some point, I had to unfollow many people and reconsider where my energy was going. 

My self-sabateur was in the front seat and had gotten way too comfortable calling me names and putting me down. 

The thing is, when we're down we can either give up or fucking push through when it's hardest, but not like you might think. 

Not like when you're physically in pain and are trying to get shit done, sit down, dude. If you're physically in pain you have to heal.

However, if you often have bad days, something is wrong and needs to be changed. 

When you're in this place and you have nothing left to give, you have to have your Disney moment. You have to pull yourself out of it. You are a magical being who can manifest, so what are you manifesting? 

I'll tell you what, you need to manifest yourself. Yeah, you. Me, ourselves. This is where it all starts, like a seed. You have to look in the mirror and see yourself. 

You have to manifest your being while simultaneously accepting, and then loving where you are. Then you have to take active steps towards your goals by starting with where you are and placing the goal of a path towards the destination. 

What's the destination? 

Happiness. 

I think that's #1 for most people, right?

So you're going to look in the mirror, or sit in that chair, or lay in that bed, and you're going to Fake it Till You Make it. What do I mean by that? Let me explain:

When we smile, we feel good. If you're like me, though, it can be hard to smile. It's like I have a negative amount of dopamine and serotonin and it can seem impossible to just feel good. So I thought, if I could just smile I should start feeling better. 

The problem is that it felt disingenuous, and that's because it was! I gave up as soon as I started. I'd try to crack a smile at myself in the mirror and I'd be literally scowling. That was a step up for me. It used to be that if I tried to look at myself in the mirror I would just cry. So a scowl was a step up, for real. 

So you look at yourself in the mirror (or be where you are), and you smile as best as you can. It's gonna feel fake. You do it like reps. Smile, smile, smile, smile. Smile, smile, smile, smile, smile. At some point, I went from a scowl to a second-grade school photo smile. And then, the exercise is done when you reach a real smile. You're literally pumping happy into yourself.

I'm calling this Fake it Till You Make it.

This coupled with making bean burritos for my (acknowledged) future self and having them in the freezer for quick, thoughtless protein consumption, is what helped get me out of burnout/depression. 

Being happy does not come naturally for me and it took me my whole life to figure that out. I have to make a conscious decision to smile. 

I just realized that this is an autistic trait, which is linked on many levels. Autistic people often are nonspeaking or have trouble talking at first in life and this is linked to having underdeveloped facial muscles. (see orofacial myofunctional disorders) 

Also, a major part of being autistic is having trouble regulating dopamine and serotonin, go figure. 

Everybody says to exercise but when I was depressed as eff, that was the last thing I wanted to do. It was the same as cleaning, I know how to do it, so what's the problem? Yeah, we have to do it again, and again in order for it to do any good. 

But I'm not going to do it if I don't want to do it. So how do I want to do it? Everyone skips this step when they post videos about it online. This is how you start.

You have to pump happiness into your body, and it can all start at home, right where you are. Then get angry at the dirt that you suddenly see and then when you're ready you clean up one thing at a time. I started cleaning the bathroom sink every day. My capacity is growing slowly but goshdarnit, it's growing. 

I'm happier because I smile more now. The kids are happier and my husband is happier. At first it was weird coming out of the bathroom with a fake smile on my face or sitting on the couch with a crazy grin. But now I'm sitting here writing this with a natural smirk and I feel good. 

Is it manic? NO! It's magic.  

So far I've discovered it's like a mountain climb. I've reached some sort of plateau but I know there is much more work to do. 

Ru Paul said you have to work on it every day. I'm looking at you, ADHD person who can't seem to do anything consistent for any amount of time. Yes. You. Can.